CROCS CLASSICS

I was in Las Vegas several years ago, and stayed at a hotel near the then-new Fashion Show Mall. I went there a few times, and saw a couple of eager teenagers/twentysomethings hawking these supremely ugly German-looking rubber ‘clogs’ from a cart in the middle of the mall floor. I immediately thought they must be undergrads from UNLV business school working on a class project to prove the free market works if you just try hard enough. I felt sorry for them, just like I feel sorry for the New York City kids trying to sell Hershey bars and packs of Starburst on the sidewalks and subways in Midtown so they can buy new basketball uniforms for their high school (and prove the free market works if you just try hard enough).

So I tried on a pair. They were a little squishy, but not in a bad way. I always followed the Billy-Crystal-as-Fernando-Lamas dictum, “It’s better to look good than to feel good”, so I passed. These things were, and still are, hideous. They do not – repeat: NOT - grow on you. But every time I went to the mall, and listened to those eager kids, and looked at the (still) low $29.99 price tag, my style resolve weakened just a little.

So on my last day in Vegas, on the way to Please-Take-Off-Your-Shoes-Sir Airport, I broke down and bought a pair. What the hell, right? I mean, they were cheap, roomy, easy to take off and put back on, made of urethane (that’s ‘fancy rubber’ in dog years), making them airport friendly. And I almost always loosen or take off my shoes when flying anyway. I could just factor them into the price of my plane ticket, and toss them when I got home. Kind of like those little one-time-use toothbrushes the airlines throw at you on overnight flights.

Funny thing, once I got back to NYC (where I walk practically everywhere), I wore them every day for two weeks straight. Then one morning I woke up and I noticed that my plantar fasciitis (that’s ‘heel spurs’ in dog years) was gone. That is, it didn’t feel like my first step out of bed was right onto a roofing nail; also, my feet/legs/back didn’t hurt after standing in line for an hour to see Alien vs. Predator. Or was that Batman Begins? Now I have three pairs. Because sometimes it’s better to feel good than to look good.

Sorry, Fernando Lamas.

HISTORY

Crocs sprouted sometime in 2004.

STANDOUT FEATURE/WHAT MAKES THEM GREAT

These pieces of footwear (I still can’t call them ‘shoes’) really are really therapeutic, really. Whenever I have tired feet, like after spending a day in my brogues (that’s ‘business shoes’ in dog years), I put on my Crocs just to walk around my apartment, and they feel better INSTANTLY - no joke.

CHEAP?

You bet.

VALUE (GREATNESS/PRICE RATIO)

Thirty bucks for the originals. That’s about what a taxi to the orthopedist’s costs. I give them a score of UFB (Un-Effing-Believable).

CATCH

Hideous. I mean, really hideous. Plus these don’t do well on smooth wet surfaces, even though they were originally pushed as boating shoes (still haven’t figured that out).

BONUS

The perfect shoes for kids, at least until they get traumatized by the elementary school fashion police (still haven’t figured that out).

HIDDEN GEM?

Hardly. They’re all too visible, especially the neon orange and yellow ones. Nothing stealthy here. They’re so ugly, you can’t help noticing them.

HOW TO GET ‘EM

Crocs now has actual stores, and you can always buy from their own or other websites. Some sizes, like my men’s 12, seem to be available only at Crocs stores (still haven’t figured that out).

AVAILABLE IN BLACK?

Yes.